I haven't updated here for awhile.
A long while, now that I think about it.
First off, S and I moved to Seattle, which I'm enjoying rather thoroughly for the most part! Pics soon, but if you believe that, you haven't read my previous promises of pics...
I have a new job, which I mostly like.
Things have been harder than usual lately. And BETTER than usual lately. S has been going through some real hard stuff, and I think, has had to do a lot of rethinking about who she is.
But that's for her to write about, not me. See, what I want to write about is how much closer it's brought us, and how much stronger I feel I am for it.
And how incredibly lame of me is that, to see these positives in what has been an extraordinarily painful and difficult experience for my wife? I don't know. I only know that through this darkness she has been through, I see enormous light.
That's because we've walked through it together. And at moments, we've carried each other. Amazingly enough, at least to me, she's let me carry her. This beautiful, strong woman, who has trouble trusting anyone, has allowed me to shield her from the world, and carry her through some of the darkest moments in her life. No one has ever trusted me to do that before. No one I've ever known has actually acted like I'm as "strong" as they love to say I am. I have never trusted myself. And I do now. I am more comfortable and confident in who I am, that the woman I want to be lines up more and more each day with the woman I want to be.
There have been bleak moments for the both of us and for the two of us as a couple. Moments I feared that we couldn't survive. That somehow, the worlds we both came from, the challenges we've both faced would ultimately win, and tear from me the best thing in my world.
We did survive. We have survived. We are surviving.
What amazes me, is us doing more than surviving.
We cuddle. We whisper dreams in the darkness of our bed. We play video games together, and we chase each other (the six steps) through our apartment and knock each other on the bed, giggling and hugging.
See, now I've rambled, and I'm not sure I've said anything of value.
S and I have been through a dark, dark place. Both of us, together, and in terrible moments, separately. But we got through it because we hung on to one another. We got through it because we both dared to believe that the sun must always follow the night (even in Seattle) and that Spring must always follow even the coldest winter.
It's March now, and the seasons are (slowly) thawing away the chill. Each morning the sun comes out a little earlier. Each day, it stays out a little longer, and the night is held at bay for a few more minutes. It's Seattle, so many days are grey still. But my Beloved and I? We've found we can snuggle cozily together in the grey, and rejoice in the sunlight.
We're surviving. And I believe we are (dare I say it?) happy, even.
And, Sara, if you're reading this? I bear you. :P
Friday, March 20, 2009
Monday, July 28, 2008
Out and About News
I ran across this article today in Out and About News.
Several People Shot at Gay Affirming Church in Tennessee
2 have died, 7 are injured, 5 of those critically, as of the most recent updates.
Apparently, the shooter did this because of the Church's "liberal" social stance. The church has recently put a sign up indicating its openness to the GLBT community.
My mom doesn't understand why I want to be a bit of an activist. I think she wishes I would just be who I am and not "make a thing" of it. And that's valid. I know that part of my desire to be an activist IS simply part of my own identity acceptance--a phase, if you will. But part of it is this--I don't think we, as GLBT people will be able to live quiet lives of acceptance until a big enough stand is made that we can actually integrate into society. And right now, that's not the case.
I need for people to see me not just as a woman, as Nic, but to see me as a lesbian as well. I don't want them to be able to ignore that fact, because it makes it that much harder for the next lesbian who comes along. I think the more that people realize that the people around them are GLBT people, and that GLBT people are just normal people who are around them all the time, the more we will be able to peacefully integrate with the society around us.
Just my .02. Not even sure it was clear. But the way things are now isn't okay with me. And this news article is just one more symptom of a problem that, in my opinion, can't be ignored.
Several People Shot at Gay Affirming Church in Tennessee
2 have died, 7 are injured, 5 of those critically, as of the most recent updates.
Apparently, the shooter did this because of the Church's "liberal" social stance. The church has recently put a sign up indicating its openness to the GLBT community.
My mom doesn't understand why I want to be a bit of an activist. I think she wishes I would just be who I am and not "make a thing" of it. And that's valid. I know that part of my desire to be an activist IS simply part of my own identity acceptance--a phase, if you will. But part of it is this--I don't think we, as GLBT people will be able to live quiet lives of acceptance until a big enough stand is made that we can actually integrate into society. And right now, that's not the case.
I need for people to see me not just as a woman, as Nic, but to see me as a lesbian as well. I don't want them to be able to ignore that fact, because it makes it that much harder for the next lesbian who comes along. I think the more that people realize that the people around them are GLBT people, and that GLBT people are just normal people who are around them all the time, the more we will be able to peacefully integrate with the society around us.
Just my .02. Not even sure it was clear. But the way things are now isn't okay with me. And this news article is just one more symptom of a problem that, in my opinion, can't be ignored.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Politics
I honestly have NO idea who I'll be voting for in November. It's possible (though I cringe to admit it here), that I'll vote for McCain. I mean, I have been a conservative most of my life.
However, I found t his video clip incredibly amusing. I may be conservative, but I recognize that some conservative concepts...are outright ridiculous.
Obama...McCain...Obama...McCain...
He loves me...He loves me not....
I have no idea. Not looking forward to Nov., honestly.
However, I found t his video clip incredibly amusing. I may be conservative, but I recognize that some conservative concepts...are outright ridiculous.
Obama...McCain...Obama...McCain...
He loves me...He loves me not....
I have no idea. Not looking forward to Nov., honestly.
 clipped from www.imvotingrepublican.com |
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Getting There
So, I've been working on...finding good ways to handle my anger, or really any of my negative emotions. I just tend to get...overwhelmed by them, which results in me crying, and having a hard time breathing, and sometimes throwing things or hurting myself. Obviously, this is something I've talked with my therapist about quite a bit.
I could spend all day talking about why I think it's a problem, and I think it really does have to do with the fact that I simply didn't feel like I was allowed to express any negative emotions when I was younger. That just wasn't okay. But I know lots of people were raised in situations like that, and they don't seem to have the difficulty that I do with their emotions. Bully for them. ;)
Anyway, me, Sara, my therapist, have been working on me learning to communicate how I'm feeling, actually articulating what I'm feeling, and what I feel like I need.
And tonight, I felt like we had a major success. I was upset about something--something little really, but I'm premenstrual, and got really worked up. And I was starting to cry while I was trying to talk to Sara about it, and she was being all calm (which was helpful), but then I was mad at myself for crying over such a dumb thing, and I told her I needed to go lay down. She said okay, but followed me in, and now I'm all out crying. So she held me, and we talked about what I was upset about, and pretty much worked it out. But I still had all those negative feelings, just...sulkiness, really, leftover anger, stuff like that. I told Sara I just wanted to sulk and that I just felt upset still.
So she told me she was going to leave me alone in the bedroom for 15 minutes, with instructions that I wasn't to hurt/damage anything, including myself, but that otherwise, I could do as I liked in the room, journaling, punching the bed, reading, whatever. And, most importantly (to me at least) she reassured me that she'd be back for me in 15 minutes, that she looked forward to me rejoining her in the living room.
It worked. I journaled, I (attempted) pullups on our pullup bar. I stretched. And by the time she came back I was thoroughly relaxed.
Would that work every single time? I don't know. I know some elements of what made it work, though:
1. She listened to my feelings, and I did my best to articulate them.
2. She said it was okay to feel that way.
3. She didn't assume that b/c I felt upset, it meant she had to change something she was doing to fix it--she simply allowed me to be upset.
4. I was able to communicate what I felt like I wanted/needed (to just have time to be upset), and she let me be upset, let me be alone to sulk/whatever.
5. She reassured me that she wanted me around still.
6. I spent the alone time productively.
So, I'm feeling pretty good about that at the moment, and like I'm actually improving in this area.
Plus, I'm feeling so...GOOD, about it. My feelings were okay. They were (at the risk of sounding all psychobabbly) validated. I didn't have to stop being upset, b/c it was inconvenient. I'm amazed at what that feels like. And even more amazed to realize that many (or at least some, surely) actually grow up with that.
Go figure.
I could spend all day talking about why I think it's a problem, and I think it really does have to do with the fact that I simply didn't feel like I was allowed to express any negative emotions when I was younger. That just wasn't okay. But I know lots of people were raised in situations like that, and they don't seem to have the difficulty that I do with their emotions. Bully for them. ;)
Anyway, me, Sara, my therapist, have been working on me learning to communicate how I'm feeling, actually articulating what I'm feeling, and what I feel like I need.
And tonight, I felt like we had a major success. I was upset about something--something little really, but I'm premenstrual, and got really worked up. And I was starting to cry while I was trying to talk to Sara about it, and she was being all calm (which was helpful), but then I was mad at myself for crying over such a dumb thing, and I told her I needed to go lay down. She said okay, but followed me in, and now I'm all out crying. So she held me, and we talked about what I was upset about, and pretty much worked it out. But I still had all those negative feelings, just...sulkiness, really, leftover anger, stuff like that. I told Sara I just wanted to sulk and that I just felt upset still.
So she told me she was going to leave me alone in the bedroom for 15 minutes, with instructions that I wasn't to hurt/damage anything, including myself, but that otherwise, I could do as I liked in the room, journaling, punching the bed, reading, whatever. And, most importantly (to me at least) she reassured me that she'd be back for me in 15 minutes, that she looked forward to me rejoining her in the living room.
It worked. I journaled, I (attempted) pullups on our pullup bar. I stretched. And by the time she came back I was thoroughly relaxed.
Would that work every single time? I don't know. I know some elements of what made it work, though:
1. She listened to my feelings, and I did my best to articulate them.
2. She said it was okay to feel that way.
3. She didn't assume that b/c I felt upset, it meant she had to change something she was doing to fix it--she simply allowed me to be upset.
4. I was able to communicate what I felt like I wanted/needed (to just have time to be upset), and she let me be upset, let me be alone to sulk/whatever.
5. She reassured me that she wanted me around still.
6. I spent the alone time productively.
So, I'm feeling pretty good about that at the moment, and like I'm actually improving in this area.
Plus, I'm feeling so...GOOD, about it. My feelings were okay. They were (at the risk of sounding all psychobabbly) validated. I didn't have to stop being upset, b/c it was inconvenient. I'm amazed at what that feels like. And even more amazed to realize that many (or at least some, surely) actually grow up with that.
Go figure.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Doing better
So, S and I looked at my list of rules today, and discovered that I've only broken one rule this whole week!! So I've got a punishment coming for that, but I'm feeling all proud that I've only broken one. It's definitely a huge improvement for me.
Also, I had to renew my car registration this week, and I was getting close to being late, and S told me that if I didn't get it done on Tuesday, when she got home I'd be going straight over the back of the sofa and getting spanked with the belt. And wonder of wonders, it was the FIRST thing I did on Tuesday. Usually, I'd be tempted to push something like that, to see what would happen, to get a really strict punishment. But I KNEW it would be miserable. And so, I did what I was supposed to.
Doesn't seem like a huge thing, really, but I can see that I'm not going around trying to earn spankings anymore. And I like that. A lot.
Also, I had to renew my car registration this week, and I was getting close to being late, and S told me that if I didn't get it done on Tuesday, when she got home I'd be going straight over the back of the sofa and getting spanked with the belt. And wonder of wonders, it was the FIRST thing I did on Tuesday. Usually, I'd be tempted to push something like that, to see what would happen, to get a really strict punishment. But I KNEW it would be miserable. And so, I did what I was supposed to.
Doesn't seem like a huge thing, really, but I can see that I'm not going around trying to earn spankings anymore. And I like that. A lot.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Catching up, playing, submission
So, on the TTWD forum, someone had mentioned being interested in the bamboo sticks S and I got, and since we used them just the other day, I thought they'd make good grist for a blog post. ;)
I've been spanked with them a couple of times. They are a great spanking implement imo, stingy, but very controllable, and a sting that I can handle, which is always good. They haven't been used for any serious punishments really, but they've been used for bratting and for play spankings.
The other night, S and I had a very enjoyable "play" session. She used the bamboo sticks all over my body. Combined with the flogger, it was just an absolute...bliss of sensations. Nothing hurt much, but everything stung deliciously.
There were other things that went on in that session that are too personal to blog about, but...it was a wonderful bonding, and trust building experience.
In line with that, I feel comfortable sharing on here, that I got a real collar a couple of weeks ago. S and I do not tend to be...PARTICULARLY D/s. But...I am most definitely hers, and she is mine. I definitely submit to her, particularly when it comes to...well, taking care of what's "hers"--neither of us is into degrading, or playing with inferiority, and I feel like in many ways, this submission can go both ways. The dynamic is difficult for me to explain, but I guess those of you who know us will understand that while I submit to her, we aren't Master/Slave, or even truly Dominant/Submissive. I DO love my collar though. It is a cherished reminder, that I'm hers, which to me, equates to being safe, loved, cherished, and taken care of. Here's a picture of it:
Though, clearly, the woman in the pic isn't me--that would be the model from Sub-Shop, where we got the collar from. It's locking, and Sara has the 1 key to undo it on her keychain. It's pretty...heavy duty chain, too. Love it.
Last night, I was really unsettled, I'd been dealing with issues relating to abuse, and was just...uncertain, feeling like I was too hard on S, that I was a burden. She asked what I needed, to quiet that voice, and I told her a spanking. A moment later, I was over her lap, and she was telling me gently how much she loved me, how she would always take care of me, that she never got tired of that. And she spanked me, and I swear, it stung at first, and then...I was just...lost in the rhythm of it, being soothed. It was wonderful, and exactly what I needed.
So, good stuff, not a lot of testing, but still a fair amt of rule breaking around here.
I've been spanked with them a couple of times. They are a great spanking implement imo, stingy, but very controllable, and a sting that I can handle, which is always good. They haven't been used for any serious punishments really, but they've been used for bratting and for play spankings.
The other night, S and I had a very enjoyable "play" session. She used the bamboo sticks all over my body. Combined with the flogger, it was just an absolute...bliss of sensations. Nothing hurt much, but everything stung deliciously.
There were other things that went on in that session that are too personal to blog about, but...it was a wonderful bonding, and trust building experience.
In line with that, I feel comfortable sharing on here, that I got a real collar a couple of weeks ago. S and I do not tend to be...PARTICULARLY D/s. But...I am most definitely hers, and she is mine. I definitely submit to her, particularly when it comes to...well, taking care of what's "hers"--neither of us is into degrading, or playing with inferiority, and I feel like in many ways, this submission can go both ways. The dynamic is difficult for me to explain, but I guess those of you who know us will understand that while I submit to her, we aren't Master/Slave, or even truly Dominant/Submissive. I DO love my collar though. It is a cherished reminder, that I'm hers, which to me, equates to being safe, loved, cherished, and taken care of. Here's a picture of it:
Though, clearly, the woman in the pic isn't me--that would be the model from Sub-Shop, where we got the collar from. It's locking, and Sara has the 1 key to undo it on her keychain. It's pretty...heavy duty chain, too. Love it.
Last night, I was really unsettled, I'd been dealing with issues relating to abuse, and was just...uncertain, feeling like I was too hard on S, that I was a burden. She asked what I needed, to quiet that voice, and I told her a spanking. A moment later, I was over her lap, and she was telling me gently how much she loved me, how she would always take care of me, that she never got tired of that. And she spanked me, and I swear, it stung at first, and then...I was just...lost in the rhythm of it, being soothed. It was wonderful, and exactly what I needed.
So, good stuff, not a lot of testing, but still a fair amt of rule breaking around here.
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