Bratting

I'm wanting to ponder...why exactly I brat. And I DO brat, and sometimes, I feel like I should be given a little slack for it, and sometimes, I really don't.

There are two things I see coming into play when I brat. One of them, is my own fears and insecurities. Does S really have me in line? Is she really committed to whatever it takes to keep me well-behaved? This is unfair to her, I know, but in fairness to ME, it's borne of my own insecurities. I'm worried that she doesn't actually care enough to do it. That she doesn't care if my behavior slides, or if I'm mouthy to her about it. That she doesn't care enough to maintain the boundaries we've set together.

On the other hand (and THIS is the part it's really hard for me to talk about), it's also a means of simply getting what I need. I don't find it at all easy to ask for a spanking, even if I know I need one, b/c I'm anxious, b/c I had a bad day, whatever. I get out of sorts. And then, whether intentional or not (and I've certainly done it both ways) I end up acting like a brat. But, particularly when it's intentional, it's sorta my (inappropriate) way of asking for what I need.

S has responded a couple ways, and I suppose it's good that I don't always know exactly how she'll respond. Sometimes, she'll simply indicate that she is displeased with me, and leave me alone to stew for a bit. This is the hardest one me, but also tends to work me up a bit more emotionally. Sometimes, she'll take me over her lap, where I'm quite quickly feeling foolish for my brattiness, and wishing I'd simply asked for a spanking, instead of misbehaving and annoying her. And at least once, she's just put me in the corner for 15 minutes. I find this most appropriate when I've been being a brat intentionally, instead of just asking for what I want/need.

I'm fortunate, I think. I have a Top who isn't particularly intimidated by my brattiness, and who is also quite willing to give me whatever she thinks I need, regardless of how shy I am about asking for it.

I wish, sometimes, that I could silence the brat in me. She's no fun. And really, she is always borne of SOME insecurity, always there because I doubt SOMETHING about S' committment, love, concern, etc.

But alas, it looks like she's not going anywhere any time soon. *sigh*

The Way that I am

I know, it's the question of the year. Maybe it's the approaching of the holidays, and a new year that makes me think of this.

Maybe it's the new changes in my life recently.

Nine months ago, I was an (excruciatingly) conservative Christian girl. I knew homosexuality was wrong. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to graduate from seminary, and finish my Master's of Social Work, and find myself a nice job in a nice little Baptist Children's home, before one day opening my own.

Now?

Ahh, life is different now. Because, over the course of the last 9 months, I've come to understand and accept about myself the fact that I am a woman who loves women. Who is, in fact, in love with one woman. Who is, in fact, living with her girlfriend, and involved in a domestic discipline relationship.

That's...a lot of different things to deal with. There is, on the one hand, the desire, the need, to somehow integrate my faith and my sexuality. This is no small task. I have spent years believing that God frowned (rather severely, I might add) on men who sleep with men, and women who sleep with women. Not only that, but just because I've come to an understanding that my sexuality IS okay with God, doesn't mean I know how to work it out. Does that mean I can have sex before marriage now--and if not, what KIND of marriage qualifies me to sleep with the woman I love? A civil union? Does a minister have to be involved?? How, exactly, is sex DEFINED, in this context?

And, dear God, how am I going to tell my grandmother? How do I allow myself to take the time to "come out" as I'm comfortable, and convince myself that my current inability to be COMPLETELY out doesn't mean I'm a coward??

That's enough right there to...keep me awake at night.

S and I are in a domestic discipline relationship, as well. Though, I hate that term. To be clear, I have rules. And when I break them, S keeps me accountable--most frequently through spanking, but corner time, writing lines, a mouthful of soap, and restrictions aren't out of the question either.

I'm glad for this. In fact, I got a pretty hard spanking last night, that I asked for, b/c I could NOT let go of the idea that I was a coward, b/c there are still some people (like my grandma) that I just can't be honest with. S doesn't like me being that hard on myself. Frankly, neither do I, but I needed to be...reminded, that it wasn't okay. That I needed to give myself time to work through this.

I say that to indicate that this DD lifestyle provides its own challenges. It scares me, because I've believed my need for this was wrong for so long. It frustrates me, because I so infrequently manage to follow all (or even most) of my fairly short list of rules. It hurts, because that woman knows how to swing a belt (and a paddle, and her hand, ftl). It makes me think, worry about if there's something wrong with me for wanting this. It embarrasses me, when I have to ask for what I need, when I have to communicate about it openly.

But it eases me, when I (finally) get this need met. And I do need it. So, while it comes with its own challenges, it is satisfying in me something that I need now. Especially since the rest of my life is so...tumultuous at the moment.

I think that's a fairly good introduction to what this blog will be about. I'm gonna grapple with these issues. I'm gonna talk about how they are playing out in my life. I'm gonna try to figure out what The Way that I am means, and what exactly it is.

Thanks for listening. ;)