Well, okay, not public, exactly, but it sorta felt that way to me.
S and I shared WIITWD with a close friend of ours, K, who will be living with us in a couple of months. K is pretty much like family to us, and as I mentioned on TTWD forum, I already have issues with feeling like I'm hiding this part of me.
In fact, the post of another person on TTWD is kinda my reason for blogging today. She was talking about how she has spent so long feeling like this is just...wrong. And I identify with that so strongly. I have a personality type that tends to view things in black and white, anyway, particularly things that can have a morality label attached to them. Things are either Good or Bad. Right or Wrong. And for years, I've believed that this desire (need, even) that I have for loving adult discipline in my life is WRONG. Sinful, even. A temptation I must not give in to, yet I found myself being drawn to it, again and again.
I don't really think that any more. In the last year of my life, my values, my faith have been irrevocably shaken. A year ago I would have called Hillary Clinton the anti-christ, and now I'm considering voting for her. Nothing that I knew to be true then seems to have endured, and my years of theological training feel, at moments, like so much wasted time.
But I digress.
I don't think this need I have is wrong anymore. I don't think it's sinful, or that I'll go to hell for practicing it. Frankly, it makes me a better person.
What I'm more likely to struggle with these days is thinking that it's unhealthy, unfair to S. Afterall, she "signed on" to a mature adult relationship. And what I've discovered the last few months is that I can throw a tantrum to put a 4 year old to shame, I can pout better than my nephew, and if someone doesn't whip my tail for it, it's very likely I will NOT take my meds like I'm supposed to or do my homework. I seldom feel like it's wrong, anymore, but frequently feel like it's something I shouldn't need, that a mature, healthy adult wouldn't need it.
And telling someone else about it, well that stirs all those feelings. I found myself wondering what she was thinking, if she was thinking I WASN'T a mature, healthy adult, that I shouldn't be in a relationship at all.
I wish I was writing this because I'd come to some conclusion on it, but I'm not. I'm just pondering, using our recent disclosure as an impetus to explore what my feelings are on this, and how they've changed. So...yeah.
2 comments:
What I'm more likely to struggle with these days is thinking that it's unhealthy, unfair to S. Afterall, she "signed on" to a mature adult relationship.... I seldom feel like it's wrong, anymore, but frequently feel like it's something I shouldn't need, that a mature, healthy adult wouldn't need it.
Oh, my, YES. I go through that exact same guilt.
For me, when I examine it, it's the same guilt I feel for not being able to get up and do housework when I'm sick. Or the guilt I feel any time my needs are met solely because it's something I need, and not because it benefits someone else.
And for me, that gives me an angle to approach my guilt over DD. Because if it feels exactly the same as the guilt I have over things that, objectively, are unhealthy not to ask for... maybe it's ok to also ask for this.
But that awareness is only opening the door, not actually getting myself fully into a place of acceptance with it.
Hmmm, that gives me something interesting to ponder. How often do I feel guilty about having needs, when those needs are something that don't benefit someone else? I think you're right, that this falls right into that category, and it makes me feel a little less...bad about it.
I get frustrated, feeling like I have to take all this time to just ACCEPT it about myself. I'm sick of dealing with trying to accept it--I just want to start feeling okay about it now.
Ugh, sorry, whiny today, apparently. ;)
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