So, I've been working on...finding good ways to handle my anger, or really any of my negative emotions. I just tend to get...overwhelmed by them, which results in me crying, and having a hard time breathing, and sometimes throwing things or hurting myself. Obviously, this is something I've talked with my therapist about quite a bit.
I could spend all day talking about why I think it's a problem, and I think it really does have to do with the fact that I simply didn't feel like I was allowed to express any negative emotions when I was younger. That just wasn't okay. But I know lots of people were raised in situations like that, and they don't seem to have the difficulty that I do with their emotions. Bully for them. ;)
Anyway, me, Sara, my therapist, have been working on me learning to communicate how I'm feeling, actually articulating what I'm feeling, and what I feel like I need.
And tonight, I felt like we had a major success. I was upset about something--something little really, but I'm premenstrual, and got really worked up. And I was starting to cry while I was trying to talk to Sara about it, and she was being all calm (which was helpful), but then I was mad at myself for crying over such a dumb thing, and I told her I needed to go lay down. She said okay, but followed me in, and now I'm all out crying. So she held me, and we talked about what I was upset about, and pretty much worked it out. But I still had all those negative feelings, just...sulkiness, really, leftover anger, stuff like that. I told Sara I just wanted to sulk and that I just felt upset still.
So she told me she was going to leave me alone in the bedroom for 15 minutes, with instructions that I wasn't to hurt/damage anything, including myself, but that otherwise, I could do as I liked in the room, journaling, punching the bed, reading, whatever. And, most importantly (to me at least) she reassured me that she'd be back for me in 15 minutes, that she looked forward to me rejoining her in the living room.
It worked. I journaled, I (attempted) pullups on our pullup bar. I stretched. And by the time she came back I was thoroughly relaxed.
Would that work every single time? I don't know. I know some elements of what made it work, though:
1. She listened to my feelings, and I did my best to articulate them.
2. She said it was okay to feel that way.
3. She didn't assume that b/c I felt upset, it meant she had to change something she was doing to fix it--she simply allowed me to be upset.
4. I was able to communicate what I felt like I wanted/needed (to just have time to be upset), and she let me be upset, let me be alone to sulk/whatever.
5. She reassured me that she wanted me around still.
6. I spent the alone time productively.
So, I'm feeling pretty good about that at the moment, and like I'm actually improving in this area.
Plus, I'm feeling so...GOOD, about it. My feelings were okay. They were (at the risk of sounding all psychobabbly) validated. I didn't have to stop being upset, b/c it was inconvenient. I'm amazed at what that feels like. And even more amazed to realize that many (or at least some, surely) actually grow up with that.
Go figure.
3 comments:
hey, cool! good job with this.
I go through phases where I'm better able to handle anger, or other "inconvenient" emotions, and then back to not doing so well with it. But I think there's an overall improvement, so far as the basic trends of my behavior go.
And go, Sara, for being a good support person with this. Because I think that can be just as hard (W has trouble expressing her anger, and it is *incredibly* difficult for me to keep from trying to solve the problem or--and this is even worse--explain to her that PMS might have something to do with the intensity of the feelings.)
I have anxiety/ distrust issues more so than anger issues, but I think a lot of the coping techniques for both the feel-er and the partner (if that made sense) are similar. That's something Daddy and I have struggled with: him not taking it personally when I feel a certain way, and fighting the urge to defend "us" to me, and then me feeling guilty about feeling that way and subsequently feeling worse.
So I am so happy for you and Sara that you were able to figure out a system that apparently works! Kudos to you, and also for recognizing that it may not work this well every time, but that it will work some of the time, and that it marks excellent progress for both of you!
Thanks to both of you!
I know it's REALLY hard for me to not take it personally and try to "fix" the problem, whatever it is. So I was really grateful she was able to do that with me, and I think it worked well for her, too, not just having to sit with me and "make" me feel better somehow, cause, really, no one can do that but me.
I'm definitely just trying to look for overall improvement. I have a tendency, when something doesn't go well, to think that means it has never gone well and never will go well, regardless of the reality of the situation. It helps to journal about it or blog about it, to remember that there ARE times when I get things right. ;)
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