Travelling

So, we're in Florida, visiting a friend of ours. Same friend, in fact,
to whom we "came out" about DD a couple months ago.

Most notably was me travelling on the plane with a rather sore backside
yesterday. This is because Friday night, we went out with a bunch of
Sara's friends, and I did some serious drinking. Keeping in mind, that
I'm a lightweight--Sara and I aren't big drinkers--I had a couple (weak)
mixed drinks, and 3 shots of tequila (the most I've ever had to drink,
and usually at that point I start puking). Well, bottom line, I was
smashed. And then Sara told me not to have another shot. But then her
good friend Pete (also drunk) insisted on buying me another (this could
have been payback for us getting his wife a couple shots). And, I mean,
I couldn't say no. So, I was in trouble for taking a 4th shot, when S
told me not to.

We left, and went to Sonic, and while we were parked there, I decided to
see what would happen if I unset the parking break (I, of course, was
not in the drivers seat--Sara was). This caused us to roll back several
feet, until Sara figured out what was going on, and reset it.

I want to take a moment to reassure my readers that this is NOT normally
the form that my bratting takes. It was above and beyong my normal
bratting, even when drunk.

So, Saturday morning, before we got on a plane, I found myself in that
all to familiar position over S' lap. Hearing the words, "this is going
to hurt" before she started smacking away with her hand, then the Belt.
It was a long spanking. With 15-20 swats to a cheek in each set. I'm
pretty sure she intended for me to be sore for the next day or two. And
I am.

So, lots of spanking/bratting specifics, without a lot of discussion of
how I was feeling. I was not a particularly emotional spanking. I messed
up. And I knew it. And Sara took me to task for it.

My ass hurts, but I love that woman.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Nice

This video about made my day.

clipped from video.google.com

New Blog I Found--Or rather, it found ME

I just wanted to let you all know about a new blog I just found, from a blogger who commented on my blog. constance has 2 blogs actually, My Dabble in the Middle End, which is her blog, which she shares with her partner (and disciplinarian, at least at times), and Dabbling in Discipline, which is her punishment book. Both look quite interesting, and constance was kind enough to give me a shout out on her blog. Since I liked what I saw over there, thought I'd do the same!

I'll try to blog later about the spankings I got last night.

Struggles

Warning: This entry contains some somewhat personal info regarding previous abuse--nothing graphic, but just a heads up, since I know some ppl who read my blog have struggled with these issues themselves

So, I got spanked the other day. For not doing my internship work 2 days in a row after I said I would do it. I got a BRIEF hand warmup, followed by the belt. UGH. It hurt a lot worse than it usually does. I dunno what that's about! But it was a good spanking (if there is such a thing).

S has been a lot stricter lately, which I think I mentioned. We're also exploring more of the D/s dynamic that exists between us. Which is interesting, given that I've also been struggling with...I don't know, processing the abuse I went through that ended a little over a year ago. I mean, I guess it makes sense that I'm still processing it, but it frustrates me, because there are times when I feel completely okay, or I don't think about it at all, and then, for a few days, like this week, I'm having nightmares again, and all I see when I close my eyes is this woman (we'll call her L) standing over me, getting ready to hurt me. And I feel stupid for not just...being able to be over that, even though I know, at the same time, that I wouldn't expect anyone else to be over it. And yet, I don't FEEL like I'm being hard on myself when I expect myself to be over it. It just feels like I'm being dumb.

I think that's related to the fact that...it's fairly recently that I came to actually believe that it WAS abuse. And so...sometimes I feel like I'm stupid even for being upset about it, so it feels REALLY stupid that I'm upset about it over a year later. The bottom line is that it included rape and physical assault. There's no way that's not abuse. Why do I have to keep convincing myself of that?

And I swing between that and being so furious that someone I trusted could do that to me, that I just want to scream at the whole world.

Anyway, that's not really the point I was trying to make. I've been really struggling this week, swinging between scared, and angry, and nightmares, and just...MEMORIES, that I want to rip out of my system. And then, yesterday, S just...well, she got really dominant with me, said there was no room for anyone else, and that she'd remind me of that as much as she needed to.

She didn't mean there's no room for me to have friends or something (very much NOT the way our house is run), she meant...there's only us. When we're making love, when we're together...I can focus only on her, and that...if I'm not, she'll GET my attention.

The combination of this, and her complete tenderness, holding me, loving me, has...really helped me get through this.

And I'm not THROUGH it yet, and, yeah, I'm still frustrated by that. I'm not sleeping well. But I'm not feeling like I'm drowning and alone anymore. And that makes quite a bit of difference. Even if my ass is paying a bit of the price for it. ;)

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Now playing: The Cast Of Buffy The Vampire Slayer - I've Got A Theory / Bunnies / If We're Together
via FoxyTunes

Oops

I mean, I'm all about the rough play, but, uh, I'm suddenly quite glad that my partner and I aren't into piercing or knife play. Cause, yikes.

Though, it gives me pause to consider the importance of safe, sane and consensual.

We take certain risks. Not nearly as much as some, but there ARE risks in what we do. I think it's important (for me, at least) to remember that.

And, again, be grateful that S doesn't use a knife. Ever. *shudders*

clipped from news.yahoo.com OTTAWA (Reuters) - A Canadian man who asked his lover to carve a heart-shaped symbol on his chest during a rough sex game almost died when she accidentally pressed too hard and punctured his heart, a newspaper said on Thursday.

Spanked, again

So, I got a spanking last night, for not having done the work for my internship that I was supposed to do yesterday. S has gotten pretty strict lately.

I'm not complaining about that. I mean, maybe I should, because, my butt's a little sore today. But, really, I think I've finally gotten to that point where I'm not breaking rules just to see what she'll do. Mostly, I know what she'll do--spank my butt, and if I break the rule again, spank my butt a lot harder/longer.

I've even cried a couple times most recently when she spanked me, and I pretty much NEVER cry. And I can't even explain what goes on in my head that makes me cry, I just know it happens most often when she isn't speaking to me like she's angry, but just...really lovingly, and like she just wants to help me be better. It touches something inside of me, that I can't describe.

I don't know if I'll be able to stay in that place, where I don't have to push just to push. I sorta doubt it.

But it's the first time I've ever gotten here. And I like it. I feel safe. I feel like...I can actually start working on what I need to work on, instead of just...focusing on the discipline, and whether or not she's going to give it.

The bamboo stick thing stings. I don't like it. And her HAND hurts my butt...a lot.

But I feel pretty good today.

Journaling

Well, I got my first spanking for not journaling yesterday. And it sucked. Apparently, S takes that journaling thing seriously. It was a spanking with her hand, and this small bamboo stick we picked up a couple weeks ago, which stings like the dickens, and apparently leaves little lines on my butt that S thinks are swell.

We want a cane, too, though I'm of the opinion that that should be more of a "play" toy than...a serious punishment implement. Ugh.

See? I told you guys I don't have anything interesting to say. I got spanked. It hurt. ;) Now I'm just being snotty.

Without being too specific, the spanking occurred with me very much bent over. Which made it hurt WAY more. And something about that position really contributes to me...I dunno, feeling like I'm.."presenting" myself for punishment. Which is good, but hard. Because it helps me keep my head in the right place, and feel like I'm participating. Which is (again) hard, but also makes me feel like we're a team.

And I'm rambling. But I guess if there's any place that's okay, it's here. ;)