Warning: This entry contains some somewhat personal info regarding previous abuse--nothing graphic, but just a heads up, since I know some ppl who read my blog have struggled with these issues themselves
So, I got spanked the other day. For not doing my internship work 2 days in a row after I said I would do it. I got a BRIEF hand warmup, followed by the belt. UGH. It hurt a lot worse than it usually does. I dunno what that's about! But it was a good spanking (if there is such a thing).
S has been a lot stricter lately, which I think I mentioned. We're also exploring more of the D/s dynamic that exists between us. Which is interesting, given that I've also been struggling with...I don't know, processing the abuse I went through that ended a little over a year ago. I mean, I guess it makes sense that I'm still processing it, but it frustrates me, because there are times when I feel completely okay, or I don't think about it at all, and then, for a few days, like this week, I'm having nightmares again, and all I see when I close my eyes is this woman (we'll call her L) standing over me, getting ready to hurt me. And I feel stupid for not just...being able to be over that, even though I know, at the same time, that I wouldn't expect anyone else to be over it. And yet, I don't FEEL like I'm being hard on myself when I expect myself to be over it. It just feels like I'm being dumb.
I think that's related to the fact that...it's fairly recently that I came to actually believe that it WAS abuse. And so...sometimes I feel like I'm stupid even for being upset about it, so it feels REALLY stupid that I'm upset about it over a year later. The bottom line is that it included rape and physical assault. There's no way that's not abuse. Why do I have to keep convincing myself of that?
And I swing between that and being so furious that someone I trusted could do that to me, that I just want to scream at the whole world.
Anyway, that's not really the point I was trying to make. I've been really struggling this week, swinging between scared, and angry, and nightmares, and just...MEMORIES, that I want to rip out of my system. And then, yesterday, S just...well, she got really dominant with me, said there was no room for anyone else, and that she'd remind me of that as much as she needed to.
She didn't mean there's no room for me to have friends or something (very much NOT the way our house is run), she meant...there's only us. When we're making love, when we're together...I can focus only on her, and that...if I'm not, she'll GET my attention.
The combination of this, and her complete tenderness, holding me, loving me, has...really helped me get through this.
And I'm not THROUGH it yet, and, yeah, I'm still frustrated by that. I'm not sleeping well. But I'm not feeling like I'm drowning and alone anymore. And that makes quite a bit of difference. Even if my ass is paying a bit of the price for it. ;)
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3 comments:
Dear Nic,
One of the most insidious aspects of abuse (particularly emotional abuse, and physical abuse is ALWAYS accompanied by emotional abuse) is the was the abuser makes his or her victim feel that whatever is happening is anything BUT abuse. My ex-husband used to hit me and then ask "Is there blood? Any bruises? No? So I didn't hurt you. Shut up." His point was that if there were no physical manifestations, it was ok. Believe me - it wasn't ok.
So now you know on one level that it was abuse, but on another you are still giving credence to what your abuser strove to have you believe: it wasn't abuse, you deserved it, etc. etc. Don't fall for it, Nic, or you abuser wins all over again.
Best of luck to you,
Constance
I have a lot of anxiety issues relating to things I experienced as a child, and a lot of my anxiety rests on whether Daddy is really "in this" with me, and he does a similar thing to S-- reminds me that I belong to him and he belongs to me, and that's just all there is.
For us, I think the D/s dynamic helps that a lot. I mean, if I am his submissive, and I belong to him, and my sexuality belongs to him, well, he's going to take good care of what's his, right? So there's a lot of security in that, that I don't have to be scared of the emotional abuse or manipulation I've experienced before.
I'm also proud of you for writing about your experiences with rape and abuse. I don't know what else to say about that, but there it is.
I'm enjoying getting to know you!
Constance,
Thanks so much. You're exactly right about what's going on, and the reminder that when I believe what my abuser said, I'm letting her win, over and over again, was SO needed. Thank you for sharing your experiences also. Just, I really appreciate the warm words and thoughts.
Daddy'slucy,
I agree-I think the D/s dynamic (which isn't total, but is there between us) is very helpful on this. At least, it's helped me in getting through this week, hanging onto something I know is solid, even when I don't trust myself to know what the truth is. S doesn't mind telling me over and over that it WAS abuse.
Thanks, too, for your warm thoughts. Always appreciated.
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